Sometimes I Feel Like I Just Don’t Belong


                                                                     Image by Alain Audet from Pixabay


For me, and probably most Americans, 2020 has been an emotional roller coaster ride. It’s not just the pandemic. It’s the slow descent of our country into fascism. The country I was born into is on its last breath, thanks to Donald Trump and the Republican party.

I now experience feelings I haven’t felt in many years. Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and of not belonging. The same feelings I had to deal with coming to the realization I was gay and fighting to accept that fact.

The memory of that evening when my father passed away is coming back to the surface, as vivid as always. As the doctor informed us of my father’s passing both of my brothers joined their wives in standing by my mother’s side. I was left alone. I felt as though I didn’t belong. I had to deal with my loss alone.

This memory kept eating at me because I knew that being gay I would never have the freedom or the right to have someone that I loved at my side. Those were the years when gay people felt as though they had to hide. To choose between a loving partner or a family. At the time of my father’s death, no one in my family knew I was gay.

With my father dying of cancer I couldn’t add to the stress of my family by coming out. The society that I grew up in and the church I worshiped in (more like forced to worship) condemned me for being me. I was sad, hopeless, and alone. I didn’t belong.

Shortly after my father passed away I came out to my family. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, even though my mother constantly prayed to St. Jude, the patron saint of hopeless causes, and let me know about it. I can remember telling her one time that if she didn’t accept me for being gay I would cut off all ties with the entire family. Slowly she accepted the fact that I was gay. Or maybe it was the dementia that made it easier. It took me many years to feel part of my family though.

With the Supreme Court decision in 2013 making same-sex marriages legal in all 50 states, I finally felt secure in my place in this world. Strangely I was living openly with my partner, now husband, in Malaysia, a Muslim country at the time. Since I was a foreigner, with money, our relationship was accepted. It was impossible for us to be together in the United States prior to 2013.

In October, following the court’s decision my partner and I were married in New York State. In February of 2014, we moved to the United States to live, together. Finally, we could live together as a married couple. My husband, for the first time, could live openly as a gay person and I felt as though I belonged. And then came Trump!

We live in a conservative Republican suburb in upstate New York and have been accepted by most of our neighbors. We have developed very close relationships in our neighborhood, but we don’t talk politics. Many of our friends here get their news from Fox News and have absolutely no idea of what is happening with the corruption, racism, and lawlessness in Trump’s administration.

Hell, I have a neighbor who refuses to believe Trump was impeached! I can see our country falling apart, little by little, every day, and I can’t even discuss this with people I’m with. I miss the days, living, and working in Boston, where I felt as though I was among my own kind.

I’m still reeling from the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and alternately angry and depressed with her passing. I feel hopeless and helpless. The people I am surrounded by haven’t even mentioned her passing. And I’m sure they only see her contribution to society as being one of the persons on the Supreme Court allowing abortion to be legal. The good Christians in my area only see abortion, and not the denial of women’s rights, voting rights, LGBTQ rights, civil rights, or immigrant rights or 200,000 COVID deaths. My friends don’t even see the possibility of my marriage being declared illegal.

My thoughts tend to wander from finding another country, with freedom and equality, in which to live, to standing and fighting the bastards who are attacking my right to exist as a gay person. The feeling of not belonging has returned, just as strong as ever. That feeling has metastasized to other aspects of my life, including my activities on Medium.

I have always expressed my thoughts, feelings, and emotions through writing. I have considered writing as a form of therapy to blow off steam or share my thoughts with other like-minded people. Writing was something I did, not something that defined me.

But lately, I feel I am farting into the wind.

I’m not the only one who fears for their rights and freedoms, I’m sure. My articles are falling by the wayside though. I guess people would rather read and write about how Medium has helped them put their children through college or how they make a full-time living writing here. The more articles, in my opinion, trash, are published here the more I feel I don’t belong here either.

The closer we get to the election the more my emotions will fluctuate. I am trying to look at the bright side and not be so pessimistic about what happens after the election or Ginsburg’s replacement on the court. But, to be honest, I don’t trust the intelligence of the American people. Regardless of what happens, I have to continue to express myself, if free speech is still allowed. I may not feel as though I belong, but I still feel I have the right to exist, regardless of what anyone else may think.


Originally published in The Top Shelf on


The Coming Storm


Image by jplenio from Pixabay

The long-range forecast is foreboding. Not the weather forecast, but the election forecast. The polls show Biden winning, even in most swing states, but the election is still a little under 50 days away and anything could happen. Anything disastrous and unprecedented that is. Trump is like a cornered rabid animal who will stop at nothing to win. He has to win to ensure that he, his family members, and his enablers will not end up in prison. He will risk your life, my life, and the lives of countless other Americans to achieve his victory.

His campaign has apparently run out of money and has been forced to remove television advertising from crucial states. He knows that he has a slim chance of winning in an honest and fair election. He needs Putin and Russia now, more than ever. He also needs his fixer, Bill Barr, to attack and discredit his opponents and to prevent a fair vote. His Postmaster General toadie has already started to cripple the postal service to hinder mail-in voting. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There is going to be a subversion and a perversion of the legal system to support Trump’s re-election. There are going to be all kinds of attempts to block Black people from voting, especially in the South. The closer we get to November 3rd the more attacks on our elections and legal system will be realized. You can bet your bottom dollar that Bill Barr and Trump’s Justice Department have already formulated the “October Surprise” to favor Trump. Whether it is a fake Covid-19 vaccine or a fake investigation of Obama for a “Trumped-up” imaginary charge, rest assured it’s coming. We should also be prepared for violence erupting in our major cities, especially those run by Democratic mayors. We all know how Trump loves to foment chaos.

Most of us look forward to November 3rd as the day of deliverance from the evils of the Trump crime syndicate, but most likely we will be far from delivered from the hate and cruelty of Donald Trump and his cult of supporters. Election day is going to be just the beginning. Hopefully, it won’t be the beginning of the end.

If Biden wins, even by a landslide, Trump will not give up. And his supporters won’t give up. Even with the knowledge that Trump has trashed and dishonored our veterans and war dead and the tapes of Trump admitting he purposely downplayed the seriousness of Covid-19, his followers are still firmly behind him. They refuse to believe anything negative about their Fuhrer. These people only watch Fox News and are totally unfamiliar with the truth, or anything resembling it.

Trump, knowing that his defeat may be inevitable, has begun floating the idea that the election results will be fake and signaled his refusal to accept the results. Many political veterans believe that Trump may refuse to leave the Oval Office on January 20. Trump has often stated that he “deserves” a second and even a third term. He has stated, “that the only way he will lose the election is if it is rigged”. He is preparing his lemmings for his defeat. He has also encouraged people to vote twice, only because he then can call the election invalid.

Roger Stone, convicted felon and Trump friend, and supporter whose sentence was commuted, recently called for Trump to declare martial law if he loses and to arrest Mark Zuckerberg, Tim Cook, and the Clintons. Trump’s assistant secretary of Health and Human Services has warned of “an armed revolt” if Trump loses. As the Daily Mail has reported, “Donald Trump says he will put down ‘INSURRECTION’ if he is declared the winner and there are riots on election night”.

While a majority of the country may be hoping and planning on celebrating a Biden victory, small, albeit violent extremist elements of Trump supporters are planning on bloodshed. Who will be the targets? Everyone they perceive to be Trump’s enemies. In other words, anyone not a white supremacist.

Trump will not think twice about destroying the Constitution, the Country, and the lives of Americans to remain in power. Be prepared for horror yet to come.

This story was originally published by me in The Militant on Medium.